


Alone

by Babybucky1943



Series: Collared [18]
Category: Marvel D/s
Genre: Abandonment, Bad Doctors, Diapers, Dom Steve, Dom/sub, Fear, M/M, Panic, Resurfacing Memories, Therapy, bad surgery, mentions of peeing in toilet, sub bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22879891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babybucky1943/pseuds/Babybucky1943
Summary: Bucky is so afraid of being left alone. Steve wants to know why.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/ Bucky Barnes
Series: Collared [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1268153
Comments: 24
Kudos: 114





	Alone

Bucky felt the familiar anxiety put a crushing grip on his stomach and diaphragm the minute Steve walked out of sight. He had to breathe. He’d be okay. They were in their apartment and no one could get to him or Steve here. Right?

He whimpered a little, wrapping his arms around himself.Five minutes. Steve had promised he’d only be out of sight for five minutes. 

He felt the dig of his prosthetic fingers on his side. There was a memory, lurking in the shadows of his mind since Steve’s court hearing.He vaguely knew how he’d gotten his metal arm but he’d forgotten the details. 

Maybe the memory had been brought on by Steve’s arrest. Being alone for eight days had brought back all the emotions and fears of being forced to suffer alone at the hands of his past doms. 

Bucky knew that Steve was different but he desperately needed that reassurance that Steve wouldn’t let him be alone. 

They had talked about it many times and now Steve was doing it. He told Bucky he couldn’t always be in the same room. 

Steve promised to still keep him safe. He didn’t feel safe now though.The memories swirled closer. Pain, abandoned; fear, abandoned; punishment, abandoned. Steve was the only one that stood between him and “them”. The people that had destroyed him. 

His brain was already helpfully supplying anxious thoughts. Had Steve left? Maybe he’d died. Maybe Steve was never coming back. Had Steve abandoned him? Steve had said five minutes, it had been much longer than that. What if...what if Cairn had broken in and taken Steve? 

Bucky tried to push against the fear. It wasn’t working. Panic made him shake. Tears started to roll down his cheeks. He kinda had to go pee but he didn’t want to leave his chair. He did NOT want to miss Steve’s return. 

Then! He suddenly remembered Steve had started a timer. He looked at it. Still three minutes to wait. It had only been two minutes? How could five minutes feel so long? He watched the numbers slowly tick by. Maybe the timer was broken. Maybe....maybe Steve really was gone! He must be gone! He would never leave Bucky alone for so long if he was here. The timer must have stopped. He writhed a little between needing to void and feeling sick with anxiety. 

Steve had simply walked into his office to try and help Bucky deal with this. 

Bucky didn’t know where he’d gone but Steve wanted it that way. His poor traumatized baby needed to realize Steve wasn’t leaving him just because he left the room. 

The timer hadn’t even hit the one minute mark before he heard Bucky crying in heart wrenching sobs. He quickly went back to the kitchen. “Bucky, baby. I’m here.”

Bucky melted down then, crying hysterically as he threw himself into Steve’s arms. “You came back! I thought you died!!” He clung so tightly that even Steve’s strong arms felt the crush. 

He shushed the distraught sub gently. “I’m right here, honey.”

Bucky started to calm down but still clung tightly to him, swallowing his noisy sobs. “I’m s-sorry...Steve. I tried to be b-b-brave!” 

“Shhh,” Steve comforted again, mopping his wet face with a napkin. “We’ll keep working on it.” He wasn’t oblivious to the fact that his arrest had opened old wounds. They needed to deal with them. 

Bucky’s sobs turned to soft hiccups. Why was he still so afraid of Steve disappearing? It had been a few weeks since Steve got arrested. But, every time Steve left the room he felt that sense of abandonment.

He drained the cup of water that Steve gave him. Crying always left him thirsty. 

He fidgeted as he realized he still had to go and he _really_ had to go now!

Bucky slid off Steve’s lap. “I gotta go pee. Will you stay right here?”

Steve nodded. “I will. Go quick.” He patted Bucky’s bottom gently. 

He lit out for the bathroom. 

Steve had him in underwear during the day unless they were doing things and diapers at night. There was still an occasional daytime accident. 

Bucky came running back, still buttoning his jeans, hands damp from a speedy wash. He climbed back onto Steve’s lap, wrapping his arms around his dom’s neck. “Are you going to stay with me all the time? Please? I’m scared when you leave.” His blue eyes were huge with the need for reassurance. 

Steve sighed softly. “Baby, I’m not going to leave you but you know I can’t be in the same room all the time. Sometimes you need to be alone just for a bit.” 

Bucky’s lower lip immediately quivered and tears filled his eyes but he didn’t say anything further. 

///

It was a few days later, Steve had tried again to step out of the room for a few minutes. If Bucky knew where he was, and he could hear Steve moving around, he was okay, but the not knowing spawned such huge anxiety he was crying again before five minutes had passed.

Steve was at a loss.

Hazel would be here soon. He hoped maybe today they could open up a conversation about Bucky’s separation anxiety. He had a feeling it would open a lot of other feelings and memories too. 

Tony had found another therapist who had been carefully vetted by his team. 

Bucky seemed to like Hazel just fine, but he didn’t want to talk about anything big. Especially Steve’s arrest and the consequent week long separation.

He didn’t want to discuss his past doms and the abuse he’d endured, he didn’t want to talk about Jay or his toileting issues, he didn’t bring up any of those.   


He wanted to talk about Clint, the amount of trouble they’d gotten into for pulling pranks in the last few weeks, and he wanted to talk about playing basketball with Peter and Shuri. 

Hazel had let Bucky sit on Steve’s lap the first few sessions while they got to know each other. 

After the first session, Hazel told Steve that her initial assessment put Bucky in the mid to high range for trauma induced issues.

Steve agreed heartily. “He’s had a lot of trauma in his life.”

Hazel tried her best to get Bucky talking about the deeper issues but he stubbornly refused.

Steve tidied up the last few things in preparation for Hazel’s visit.

When the doorbell went, Bucky looked up from where he was carefully lining up shot glasses. He loved organizing things. 

Steve let Hazel in, helping her set her large therapy bag down. 

Bucky came to Steve and slid into his lap. During therapy, he still wore a pull-up to avoid an embarrassing accident. 

Hazel set things out, then smiled at Bucky. 

“Can you come sit on the floor with me?” She asked settling in at the coffee table.

Bucky was reluctant but slid to his knees next to the low table. 

“I want you to draw a picture for me,” she said, handing him a blank piece of paper. 

“Of what?” Bucky asked, glancing back to make sure Steve was still in his chair. 

“I’m writing a book about what we keep in our mental closets. I would like to know what you think about. Do you have monsters in your mental closet? Or are there sunny gardens?” She gave him a box of crayons. 

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Everybody has some monsters, Hazel.” He considered for awhile before carefully choosing a black crayon. 

Hazel chuckled a little. “You’re right! I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t!” 

Bucky coloured a large black blob with glowing eyes.It was shapeless but very clearly scary. There were a pair of legs sticking out of the blob dressed in the Captain America uniform. 

Hazel was drawing what looked like an ant with very large teeth. 

She pointed to it. “This is my mental monster. I don’t like bugs and I’m really afraid of ants.”

Bucky scrutinized her drawing. “Ants are just little.” He looked at her curiously. 

She smiled. “I know. When I was little, we were camping. I woke up one morning with a bunch of ants crawling all over me. It was really scary. I had to go to the hospital because lots of them bit me.”

Bucky’s eyes widened in sympathy. “Oh. I guess that would be super scary!” 

“Can you tell me about your monster?” Hazel asked once he was done. 

Bucky hesitated then said, “That’s the outside where things take Steve. He can never come back when this monster gets him. He’s a really scary monster.” He chewed his lip, quickly swiping away the tears that welled up. 

“He sounds scary,” Hazel agreed. “Why do you think the monster will get Steve?”

Bucky blushed and shrugged. “I d’no.” He stared at his paper. “They came and got him. Then I had to stay with Pepper for eight days.”

“Do you like Pepper?” She asked. 

Bucky considered for awhile then nodded. “Yeah, I do, but she’s not my dom. I love Steve.”

“Was it scary for you to have Steve gone for eight days?” 

Bucky scratched nervously at his paper with a pencil, making jagged lines. “They said he wasn’t coming back. They said he was getting locked up in jail for a long time.”

Steve looked at Hazel, perplexed. “Who told you that, baby?” He asked, sliding off the chair to kneel beside his sub.

Bucky took the black crayon then and started scribbling violently all over the paper before dissolving into stormy sobs. 

Hazel waited patiently for him to relax. 

Steve rubbed his back, soothing him. “You can tell me.”

He shook his head. “If I tell you, you’ll have to go away again.”

Steve’s stomach dropped a little at that. Who had talked to his sweet boy? “I promise I won’t.” Steve kissed his temple. “Did someone tell you I was going to be in jail a long time?”

“I don’t wanna talk ‘bout it,” Bucky mumbled. He couldn’t remember exactly who the person was who had told him that. The man had been at the courthouse and had whispered it to Bucky while there were a lot of people around. The person had ...smelled.... like something from an old memory. A hospital, or a medical thing. Sanitary. He shuddered a little. 

“You let me know if you want to discuss it. In the meantime, Steve can we book the next appointment?” Hazel opened her bag and got out an antiseptic wipe, cleaning her hands so that she could take out her big book without getting crayon on it. “Is Wednesday still-”

Bucky blinked at the smell. “What—what is that?” He stared at the wipe. It smelled like the man!

“It’s a wipe. It kills germs and cleans my hands.” She explained, turning all her attention to Bucky.

Dark swirls filled his head. Vague shadows. “Who uses those?”

Hazel frowned in confusion. “Lots of people. Doctors, nurses, hospitals...” She thought a moment. “Draw what you feel.” 

He snagged a clean sheet of paper, and took the red crayon. He started drawing, lower lip caught in his teeth as he concentrated. That was the smell! 

Steve kept an arm around him, watching with growing concern when Bucky drew a stick figure with red spraying out of its left shoulder. There was an unmistakable stick figure of Cairn with his whip. 

“What are you drawing?” Hazel asked with genuine interest.

Bucky looked at his drawing and shrugged. “I dunno. There’s shadows in my head.” He turned his paper over, hiding the disturbing drawing. 

“Sometimes our memories can be really scary. I didn’t like being at the hospital. Have you ever been at the hospital?”

Bucky snapped the crayon when his fingers tightened and then quickly scooted back against Steve. “I’m sorry! It broke!”

“It’s okay.” Hazel patted his shoulder. “I have lots of crayons.”

“Are your memories about a hospital?” She pushed gently.

Bucky took a deep breath. “Before Steve got me. I was in the hospital. Cairn hurt me too much and I dropped. The nurse took me to emergency and then they were gonna send me to the home.” His voice was flat, hiding the emotion he was feeling. That was one of the most frightening things he’d ever experienced. Abandoned. “But that wasn’t my drawing.” 

He flexed his metal fingers gently. He could still smell the wipe and it smelled the same as the man at the courthouse. It had a lot to do with his arm. He was...Alone. 

Hazel waited, scrawling absently on a clean sheet of paper. She was pretty sure his drawing had something to do with his left arm. She tapped his prosthetic with her crayon. “I think your prosthetic is very cool.”

Bucky pulled back instantly eyes wide. “It’s....it’s not cool.”

Hazel quirked an eyebrow. “I think it’s cool. Did you get it from your other doms?”

Bucky sighed deeply. “It’s a weapon.” The words were whispered softly. “They wanted to make me into an unstoppable force.” 

“Who is “they?” Hazel asked gently. Now that they had finally opened the subject she wanted to tread carefully.

Bucky turned his paper over and started drawing again. 

Men in masks swirled over with the black crayon made Steve wonder what exactly had happened. 

Bucky added some more red splashes. He looked at it critically then sighed deeply. “Them. They took my arm. They left me alone. It hurt a lot.”

“Can you tell me who they are?” Hazel asked. 

Bucky shook his head then looked at Steve with puppy dog eyes. “I gotta go potty. You still be here?”

“Go honey!” Steve encouraged quickly. “I’ll be here.”

Hazel knew about his difficulties and when Bucky had disappeared she asked, “How is the toileting?”

“He’s mostly using the toilet again,” Steve said softly. “But he’s still in pull-ups at times and diapers at night.” He didn’t mention his boy’s little kink. The therapist hadn’t asked too many questions about their sex life. Steve was glad. He liked Hazel but he also liked his privacy. 

“What happened to his left arm?” She asked softly, tapping Bucky’s drawing. 

Steve frowned. “You know, I never asked. It wasn’t in his file so I just kind of assumed he was born without a left arm. But this picture and what he said just now...”

Bucky came back a few minutes later, pulling his T-shirt down over his jeans. “I went pee, Steve.”

“Good boy,” Steve praised. 

Bucky sat on his lap again on the floor. He hesitantly picked up his drawing again. After several long moments he finally spoke. “I don’t know who they are.”   


He looked at Hazel. “Moseley wanted me to be a bodyguard. I wasn’t strong enough. He got angry. He grabbed my left arm really hard.” Bucky swallowed convulsively for a few moments. “He twisted my arm behind my back so hard that he dislocated my shoulder and broke my arm. I thought Cairn might help but he didn’t. He told Moseley to shut me up, so he hit me with something. I blacked out. When I started coming to, everything was fuzzy. I was laying on a bed and I saw these masked faces and my left side hurt a LOT. I remembered what Moseley had done and I started to cry. They told me to stop. When I couldn’t stop they just kept going. I turned my head and saw blood everywhere. Then,” he hiccuped and stopped talking, shaking his head. “I can’t go on.”   


_The memory was there. Full of heated voices and pain. He’d seen his own arm laying on a tray, mangled and bleeding. He wondered what they had done. In a panic he’d raised his left arm and saw the prosthetic. He’d grabbed one of the masked men and hurt him. After that they had all left the room, leaving him tied to the bed where he had gone in and out of consciousness for possibly days. He didn’t know. He’d been left there until he healed enough to be set free._

Bucky shook his head. 

“That’s okay,” Hazel reassured. “Take a break. Our time is almost up anyway. You did well.”

Steve cuddled him close. “My sweet boy. I’m so sorry.” 

Hazel gathered her things. “Good work, Bucky. I’ll see you next week.”

Bucky nodded, hiding his face in Steve’s shirt. 

Steve looked at the prosthetic again, thinking of the pain that Cairn and Moseley had put this poor baby through. It might be a very high tech prosthetic, but he still wanted to punch someone. 

“Bucky,” Steve said, “When they made you be alone, what did you mean? Were you in a hospital?”

Bucky shrugged. “I don’t know. I think they were doctors. Maybe.” 

Steve pulled Bucky’s T-shirt off and looked closely at the scarring around the arm. He could see now it was attached to the shoulder bone with screws. His stomach clenched at the knowledge of how much it would’ve hurt. 

“Bucky, you know I will always be here to make sure you don’t suffer alone ever again, right?” He searched his sub’s face. 

Bucky started to cry softly. “I want to believe that so badly.”

“Then believe it.” Steve wiped his tears away with a soft touch. “I might have to leave now and then for a bit but I’m not ever going away.” He pulled his own shirt off and carried Bucky to the recliner. it only took a few moments of soft talk. “Drop,” Steve commanded in a low voice.   


Bucky relaxed, safe against his dom’s powerful chest. 

Steve looked at the red collar Bucky was wearing. He’d thought it was so nice but somehow, it just wasn’t right for Bucky. He shook his head. It didn’t signify what the old one did.

After several minutes, Bucky came out of his drop, more at peace. 

Steve took Bucky to the bedroom and took the old worn collar out of its box. “I want to put this back on you, because it’s a reminder that I love you.”

Bucky knelt easily and let Steve replace the new red collar with the old soft leather. His finger touched the small diamond heart lovingly. 

“I love wearing any collar from you but this one is my favourite,” he whispered, putting his head on Steve’s knee. 

“Why is that?” Steve asked, a smile on his lips. He petted the soft dark hair. His beautiful sweet sub. 

Bucky leaned into Steve’s touch. “This collar tells me that you’ll take care of me and love me forever.” 

Steve clipped the leash to the pull ring. “And the leash will always signify that I will never leave you alone. Ever. I’ll be at the end of this leash as long as you want me to be.”

Bucky looked up at him, awed. “Oh. I always thought of it as captivity. Servitude. But that,” He paused as he tried to grasp it. “That makes a lot of sense.” His eyes were deep with his feelings for Steve. 

Steve pulled him to his feet and kissed him. It had always made sense to him.


End file.
